Why Difficult Conversations Feel Impossible Right Now
Conversations about current events are tricky these days. You don’t know what others believe, if your comments will trigger them, or if they will cause tension or worse. The key to keeping things cool? Seek to understand.
We have lost our sense of humanity. We are quick to dismiss, judge and even condemn on face value, and forget that we are all human beings navigating this life the best we can and sharing the same space, bumping into each other as we go along.
The Real Cost of Our Communication Crisis
When we can’t talk to each other, we all lose. Families split. Friendships end. Communities fracture. This communication breakdown isn’t just uncomfortable; it’s costly. But here’s what I’ve learned: conversations, if done correctly, can create a sense of connection. They give us a deeper awareness of an individual, which expands our sense of humanity.
Story: Two close friends show the power of seeking to understand:
Imagine Sarah and Abby, friends for fifteen years. Their monthly lunches are sacred—especially since Abby helped Sarah through her divorce.
Sarah arrives at the restaurant, excited to catch up. Forty minutes pass—no Abby. No text. No call.
Sarah’s devastated. “I feel invisible,” she thinks. “Like our friendship means nothing to her.”
Her first instinct? Send an angry text. Instead, she goes silent. For three days, she nurses her hurt, building a case that Abby has changed and no longer values their friendship.
But something keeps nagging at her—this isn’t like Abby. Her gut says something’s off. So instead of staying in her hurt, she decides to seek understanding first.
What happens when you lead with curiosity:
Instead of accusing, Sarah texts: “Hey, I’m confused about what happened last weekend. Can we talk?”
When Abby immediately calls, worried, Sarah takes a breath: “Abby, I waited for you Saturday. What happened?”
Abby’s stunned. “Saturday? But we never confirmed! I had Emma’s tournament all day—I told you about it weeks ago.”
The revelation hits them both. Sarah heard “Saturday at noon.” Abby said, “Saturday’s no good. Let’s plan something soon.”
Instead of just apologizing and moving on, they go deeper. Sarah shares how ignored she felt. Abby reveals she’s been overwhelmed and not fully present lately.
What could have ended a fifteen-year friendship becomes a doorway to a deeper connection. All because one person chose curiosity over conviction.
Instead of just apologizing and moving on, they go deeper. Sarah shares how ignored she felt. Abby reveals she’s been overwhelmed and not fully present lately.
What could have ended a fifteen-year friendship becomes a doorway to a deeper connection. All because one person chose curiosity over conviction.
Understanding the Root: Why We See Things So Differently
Our beliefs are shaped by our experiences, upbringing, socioeconomic status, and cultural identity. We all share the ultimate goal of meeting our basic needs, yet we have different ideas about the best way to achieve this for ourselves and our communities.
“A different opinion can feel like a threat to your needs being met if we don’t take the time to understand further.”
A different opinion can feel like a threat to your needs being met if we don’t take the time to understand further. This perceived threat creates an instant breakdown in communication. But when you dig deeper, you discover something powerful: it’s often as simple as a different vantage point.
The Vantage Point Principle: My Father’s America vs. My Friend’s America
Let me share a personal example that opened my eyes to this principle.
I come from an immigrant family. My father came to the US in 1950. My mother’s father came in the late 1920s from the same country. They left war, instability, economic limitations, and a lack of opportunity. Throughout his life, my father always shared his great love for this country and his gratitude for the opportunities it afforded him and his family, despite the insurmountable obstacles he encountered, especially in the early years.
Because of my father, this is the lens through which I see this country: a nation with more freedoms, opportunity and abundance than any other nation. I am deeply concerned about the issues we face and the profoundly broken systems that underpin them. Still, in my perspective, these three things make the United States of America great, and through these pillars, obstacles—both personally and nationally—can be overcome.
Another friend’s family has been here for generations, so the uniqueness of this country is not the first thing she sees. She acknowledges it, but, in her view, the impact of broken systems is the current state of the nation, and it isn’t a country she is proud of at present. She gets involved to bring change and help those she feels are squeezed by the nation’s problems.
Can you see the value and truth in both perspectives? If you are laser-focused on your opinions being right, you will miss other details that provide the complete picture of the truth, all grounded in the human experience.
The 4-Step Approach for Transformative Conversations
After years of navigating these challenging discussions and testing different conversation techniques, I’ve developed a simple formula that actually works:
Step 1: Seek to Understand (Not to Respond)
Before you share your perspective, commit to truly understanding theirs:
- What they believe – The actual position they hold
- How they came to that conclusion – What experiences formed this belief
- Why it matters to them – The personal stakes involved
Story: A woman I know is in her early thirties and has two dogs—a pit bull and a doberman.
She had trained the dogs well and was a responsible owner, yet some of her neighbors constantly complained to her. These breeds can make people uncomfortable and instill fear. There were young children on the block as well. Her dogs were well-behaved, but neighbors kept criticizing her for having two dogs like this. The neighborhood she lived in was safe—why did she need these protective breeds?
Yet no one asked her why she chose these specific dogs.
Finally, instead of complaining to her, one neighbor approached differently: “I’m curious—why these particular dogs in this neighborhood?”
Once asked with genuine curiosity rather than judgment, she was willing to share her very personal truth. She had been sexually assaulted twice in her life, by men she knew and trusted. Her sense of personal safety was severely compromised from that moment on. Having these protective breeds made her feel safe in a world that had violated her.
Once her “why” was known, everything shifted. People understood and were more accepting. They were still wary of the dogs—and she knew this—so she made a point of explaining how they’d been trained and the specific steps she takes to be a responsible pet owner. She showed them the dogs’ gentle side and introduced them properly.
Now, everyone, including her, was more at ease, not being harassed about her choice.
The difference? One neighbor chose curiosity over criticism. One question—asked with genuine interest instead of judgment—revealed a truth that transformed the entire dynamic.
Step 2: Dive Deeper with Genuine Curiosity
The magic happens here. Instead of preparing your rebuttal, you:
- Stay curious – Replace judgment with wonder. Sometimes you might sense there’s more to their story. A feeling that they’re protecting something or that their words don’t match their energy. Trust that intuitive hit and gently explore it.
- Ask open-ended questions – “Help me understand…” or “What was it like when…”
- Mirror back for accuracy – “So what I’m hearing is…”
- Stay emotionally regulated – Your triggers are your responsibility
Step 3: Share Your Perspective Without Agenda
Now it’s your turn, but with a crucial difference:
- Don’t try to influence or change their beliefs – Share to be known, not to convince
- Avoid criticism or dismissal – Your truth doesn’t cancel theirs
- Share, exchange, and understand – It’s a dialogue, not a debate
- Acknowledge both agreements and disagreements – “I see it differently, and that’s okay”
Step 4: Find the Both/And (Not Either/Or)
The result of this approach:
- Respectful exchange and discourse – Even when you disagree
- Expanded awareness – You both learn something
- Unity amid differences – Making space for all perspectives
- Human connection established – The perceived threat diminishes
Reading the Room: Your Intuitive Advantage
Trust Your Spiritual Strengths
You might notice you naturally pick up on things others miss. The slight shift in someone’s energy when a topic comes up, the way their voice changes when they’re speaking from fear versus love, or even that ‘knowing’ that this conversation isn’t the right one at this time. These aren’t just lucky guesses; they’re your Soul Specialties at work, helping you navigate conversations.
Whether you’re someone who feels the emotional temperature of the room, sees the bigger picture, or knows when something needs to be said (or not said), trust these signals. They’re part of your navigation system for difficult conversations. New to trusting your intuition? Start with the basics.
Common Obstacles and How to Navigate Them
“Recognize when you get triggered—that is on you and an inside job, not the person or thing that is triggering you”
When You Get Triggered
Please give this a try. The challenge will be emotionally regulating yourself. Recognize when you get triggered—that is on you and an inside job, not the person or thing that is triggering you—and have tools to center yourself. Maybe you feel that familiar tightness in your chest or heat rising in your face. These physical sensations are your intuition signaling you to pause.
The Power of the Pause
When you feel triggered, that’s your signal to pause. Take a breath. Remember: this is about connection, not correction.
The 30-Second Reset Technique (Practice)
When triggered, try this:
- Pause and take three (3) deep belly breaths. (10 seconds)
- Feel your feet on the ground. (5 seconds)
- Soften your shoulders and jaw. (5 seconds)
- Silently remind yourself: “Connection over correction.” (5 seconds)
- Ask yourself: “What do I need to understand here?” (5 seconds)
- Return to the conversation with renewed curiosity.
Grace is key. We are complicated people, and staying calm and steady all the time can be hard, but simply acknowledging that being human in the conversation can diffuse your trigger and any tension created. Learn more about taking responsibility for your emotional state.
Know Your Triggers Inventory (Practice)
This is a practice you can do to prepare for difficult conversations. Sit down with pen and paper and try to identify:
- Topics that historically activate you
- Phrases that push your buttons
- Body sensations that signal activation
- Your go-to defensive responses
- Your centering strategy for each
Awareness is your first line of defense.
When the Other Person Gets Triggered
Be sure to offer the same grace to others. When someone else gets activated, you might sense it before they even speak—a sudden heaviness in the air, a shift in their breathing, or just that inexplicable knowing that something struck a nerve. Trust this awareness. It’s your cue to slow down and proceed with extra gentleness
What to do when the other person gets triggered:
- Slow down the conversation
- Acknowledge their feelings without agreeing or disagreeing
- Return to curiosity: “Tell me more about what concerns you most.”
When to Press Pause
Sometimes the best thing you can do is pause the conversation:
- When emotions are too high for productive dialogue
- When either person is tired, hungry, or stressed
- When you’ve reached an impasse and need processing time
If difficult conversations feel too overwhelming right now, start here.
Applying this Approach to Different Scenarios
Political Conversations with Family
Start with shared family values before exploring political differences. Remember: you’ll still be family after the election.
Workplace Discussions
Focus on professional common ground and shared organizational goals. Keep it brief and respect that not everyone wants to engage.
Social Media Interactions
Consider whether this is the right medium for deep understanding. When you know the person, sometimes, moving to a phone call or in-person conversation is the better choice. If you are engaging with a stranger, this is not the place for such conversations.
Conversations with Children
Model curiosity and respect for different perspectives while being age-appropriate in your discussions.
The Ripple Effect: Why This Matters Now More Than Ever
“Connection across differences is possible.”
When you master this approach, you become a bridge-builder in your community. Each conversation handled with grace and empathy creates a ripple effect, showing others that connection across differences is possible.
It takes practice, but once you make this your standard, you will enjoy conversations more and receive the blessings of human connection.
Your Next Conversation:
- Set your intention – Connection over correction
- Check your energy – Are you resourced enough for deep listening?
- Prepare your reset tool – How will you center yourself if triggered?
- Remember the human – They’re doing their best with what they know
- Tune into your spiritual signals – What is your body telling you about this conversation? What do you sense beyond the words?
A Final Thought
Start small. Choose a low-stakes conversation to practice. Once you understand how to have difficult conversations with this approach, you’ll notice the shifts that occur when you lead with curiosity instead of conviction.
Every difficult conversation is an opportunity to understand, to connect, to grow. You don’t have to be perfect. You have to be willing to try.
Start with one conversation. Choose curiosity over conviction. Watch what shifts.
And remember: I’m here when you need support along the way.
With insight and clarity,
Julie
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if the other person isn’t willing to listen?
A: You can’t control their openness, only model it yourself. Sometimes the best outcome is peacefully agreeing to disagree while maintaining respect.
Q: How do I handle conversations about topics where I have strong moral convictions?
A: You can hold strong values while still seeking to understand how others arrived at theirs. Understanding doesn’t mean agreement or abandoning your principles.
Q: What if I’m too emotional to have this conversation objectively?
A: Trust that instinct. It’s okay to say, “This is important to me and I want to discuss it when I can listen fully. Can we revisit this later?”
Q: Should I avoid all political conversations to keep the peace?
A: Avoidance can build resentment. Instead, be selective—engage when you’re resourced and with people who matter most to you.
Additional Resources:
The Gottam Institute:
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
Identifying the Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions is a necessary first step toward eliminating them and replacing them with healthy, productive communication patterns.
Ellie Lisitsa.
Greater Good Magazine
What Focusing on the Breath Does to Your Brain
Different breathing patterns activate our brain networks related to mood, attention, and body awareness, a new study suggests.
B Grace Bullock. October 31, 2019.
Center for Nonviolent Communication
The Center for Nonviolent Communication believes that everyone’s needs matter and dialogue can resolve differences peacefully. Every day, we support learners, trainers, and change agents around the world to create an environment where everyone’s needs matter.
Work with Julie
Through intuitive coaching, we’ll uncover the deeper patterns affecting your communication and help you:
- Identify your unique triggers and create personalized reset strategies
- Develop your natural intuitive abilities to read situations before they escalate
- Release old wounds that keep you reactive instead of responsive
- Build authentic confidence in navigating any conversation
Ready to explore working together? Schedule a 30-minute clarity call to start your journey.
