Julie Farha

We all have our stuff… our issues to be recognized, wounds to heal, negative patterns to end. Every relationship experience and every experience in a relationship is an opportunity to discover something about yourself by recognizing unhealthy patterns, healing wounds, and identifying what it is you want and don’t want in your relationships.

Each relationship holds a gift, no matter how bad the experience! As you recognize issues, wounds and patterns, you move closer and closer to the genuine, authentic and fulfilling relationships you desire.

Relationships seem to magnify our issues. Your issues could include lack of self worth, neediness or co-dependency. Maybe you have insecurities or a need to control. Anger not expressed in a healthy way can become suppressed and therefore problematic.

Wounds may be from betrayal of trust due to infidelity, deception or repeated dishonesty. You may have been harshly rejected by someone and feel the pain of humiliation. Perhaps you’ve been verbally, emotionally or physically abused which is very harmful to one’s psyche and sense of safety and well being.

Negative patterns can arise from all of these experiences if you don’t recognize them. You’ll continue creating these challenging situations over and over. Some examples of these are:

• If you lack self worth and value, you may repeatedly attract abusive, controlling mates, or perpetuate your issues of co-dependency by feeling your needs aren’t important.

• Passive aggressive behavior is common if you don’t acknowledge and express your anger in a healthy way.

• The need to control causes obsessive and sometimes irrational behavior as you try to dominate your mate.

• Allowing yourself to be treated with disrespect and disregard in every relationship can be a more difficult pattern to see yet is common.

• Fear of being betrayed again may keep you from seeing that your new partner is trustworthy.

Review your past relationship and identify something from one or all of these areas. Release the issue, heal the wound, change the pattern.  Bring this new “you” into your present and future relationships which will be healthier and more genuine and fulfilling!

Things look pretty messy out there. Many seem to be having a crisis of some kind… a financial, health, family or spiritual crisis and likely a combination of these. How will we get out of our crisis? Will the bailouts work? How about health care reform? How can we care for our families when we are stretched so thin? Has God abandoned us?

Yes, we will get through this. Our finances and healthcare will improve, our families will be ok and no, God hasn’t abandoned us. We’re just looking in the wrong place for the solutions.

We look to our government to provide for us and clean up our messes.

We look to our healthcare system, hospitals and insurance companies to care for us when we are sick.

We look to our schools to raise our children.

We look to our religions to establish our relationship with God.

We look to all of these institutions to care for us and our lives.

Guess what?

The one we need to be looking to for this care is ourselves. It is your job! You are the only one who can. Nothing changes until you do.

Manage Your Own Financial Situation

Instead of expecting our governments to take care of your financial situation, find ways to manage it yourself. Accept responsibility where necessary and take action where you can. Be creative and find ways to decrease your dependency on money. Cut back on expenses. Exchange clothing and services with friends and neighbors. Take in a roommate and share resources. Get to know your neighbors and see what you can do as a community such as planting a community vegetable garden.

Take Charge of Your Health and Well Being

It is your body and you are the one who is responsible for it. Eat well and eat less. Think of fun ways to get exercise. Include family and friends to get motivated. Keep thoughts positive. Be conscious of what you are putting in your body and your mind.

Be well. Talk out problems to a trusted friend. Get to the root of your troubles and fears which lead to stress, unhealthy eating habits and sleeplessness. Learn to love your body and get to know your spirit. Laugh often. Get a pet and watch your joy factor increase. Taking care of your health and well being will lessen your dependence on our health care system.

Devote Time to Your Relationships

Connect daily with your significant other. Actively participate in your children’s lives. Discover and nurture their gifts. Demonstrate the importance of accountability and responsibility. Teach compassion and kindness. Inspire their dreams and encourage their goals. Listen to what they have to say. Spend family time together.

Cultivate your relationship with your spirit and your soul. It is not up to a religion to tell you how, it is up to you. Know what is in your heart for that is your connection to God. Religion offers a structured way to do this and a sense of community. If religion isn’t your thing, you can create a spiritual community with other like minded individuals.

Know who you are, your gifts, your truths, your worth and value. Have compassion and understanding for yourself and others. Learn what matters to you and make life choices accordingly.

This Is Your Job

It’s not up to the institutions, it is up to you and no one can do it better. Be creative and stay open. Ask for help from others and offer help where needed. Take care of yourself and your family. See hope and magic in your children’s eyes. Get to know your neighbors and create a sense of community. Trust in yourself and your soul and spirit. You can do this. We can do this. It’s our job and we have all the resources we need within us to be successful.

We are so intense about our relationships that it sometimes feels like we’re in a pressure cooker! Here are a few suggestions to release the pressure, remember what is real and enjoy your relationships more.

• Have more fun. Go for a drive. Take a walk or a hike. Cook a meal together. Watch something silly on television. Read the same book and discuss it. Take 30 minutes out of your day to talk, laugh and just enjoy being together.

• Take a class. Better yet, take two classes… you choose one and your partner chooses another. This will expose you to something new and you’ll know a little more about each other by learning about one another’s interests.

• Lighten up. Don’t take things personally. Most of the time, it isn’t personal. We all have moods and issues which usually dictate how we react and respond at any given moment. Remember that it’s not always about you or how your partner feels about you.

• Talk. Ask your partner about their day, how they are, what they need, how they are feeling. If he or she doesn’t want to talk at the moment, honor their space. If something happened that upset or confused you, talk it out. Be open, non-judgmental and honest.

Information is energy in formation which allows for peace. If you don’t ask for clarity, you may stew about a situation and come up with all kinds of scenarios which may not even be true. This will add to your stress and create tension.

So have more fun, lighten up and talk. Enjoy your relationship and remember why you came together in the first place!

With all that’s going on in our lives, we need to lighten up a little. The fear, worry and anxiety can consume you if you let it. Here’s some ideas:

Do something you enjoy for a few minutes a day. I know I say this all of the time but it is so helpful. It gets you out of your head which is where the chaos resides.

Laugh. Watch a funny movie, read a silly joke online, watch a cartoon. Think of a funny experience you’ve had. Talk to a friend who makes you laugh. Laugh at yourself for taking yourself so seriously.

Play! Play with your children. Children often do funny and endearing things that make us laugh and warm our hearts. Play with your pets. Dogs and cats are hilarious!

Take time throughout your day to consciously lighten your mood, your energy and your heart. You’ll feel oh so much better and so will those around you!

It’s time to get real with your relationships. Whether you are currently single or in a relationship, I invite you to ask yourself the following questions because this is part of the process of healing your relationships. In doing this you can heal those from the past, embrace the present and choose your future relationships with a new person or with your current partner.

What do you want in a relationship?

This may seem like an easy question yet it can produce some anxiety for some. Perhaps you are afraid to want what you want because you may not actually get it. Or you may realize what you really want may not be available in your current relationship. Stay open and trust that you are taking steps to create the relationship that you desire.

• Let go of your fear and get honest with yourself.
• What is important to you in a relationship? While your list may be long, narrow it down to the five things that are most important.
• Focus on your emotional needs, too. Connecting with how you want to feel centers you in your heart and that is where truth lies.

For example, do you have a relationship that is full of love, support, respect and laughter? Maybe you want a partner who shares your love of the outdoors. Do you want children?

What do you have in your present relationship or what have you had in past relationships?

Do you have any of the items that are on your list?

For example:

• If you say you want a partner who is respectful, is your partner (past or current) treating you with respect? Does he or she honor your feelings, your time and desires? Or are they critical, condescending or verbally abusive?

What is your relationship showing you about yourself?

How much of your value and worth do you see? Are you allowing behaviors in your relationship that may not serve you?

Take the above example and ask yourself:

• Are you being treated with disrespect and disregard? Is that ok with you? If so, why?
• Do you feel uncomfortable and anxious most of the time in your relationship? Or do you feel comfortable and at ease?

What are you willing to do?

Are you willing to become aware of your issues, fears, lack of self worth? What are you willing to heal? Realize that the issues of both partners contribute to the health of the relationship, whether or not you or your partner is aware of them.

Becoming aware allows for growth and creates a healthy environment for relationships to thrive and be authentic.

Ask yourself these questions to gain clarity of what you want:

• What do you have?
• What you are allowing?
• What you are willing to do?

Review the questions periodically and see if your answers change over time. This is one step of healing the past.

Relationships are a big part of our lives. It is a wonderful way to experience and express love. We spend a great deal of time and energy on finding the “one”, keeping the “one”, wondering if it is the “one”, deciding what to do with it if it isn’t the “one or constantly proving to ourselves that the one we found is the “one”.

The one you really need to find is you. Get to know you and you will find the relationship you are looking for. Get to know you and your current relationship will improve. Get to know you. How can anyone else know you if you don’t know yourself?

Where do you start? Create a full life. Do things you enjoy. Find a hobby that uses your creativity. Make time to nurture relationships with family and friends. Take pride in your work or consider a job change. Find your passion and engage it often.

Discover who you are. Identify a few of your gifts and use them regularly. Find out what you believe in. Let go of relationships that are toxic or challenging. Look to forgiveness instead of blame and. Learn what matters to you.

These are just a few ways to find “the one”, aka YOU. Doing this connects you with more of who you are truly which allows your relationships to be more authentic. Realize that you are the one you need to find and experience the journey of relationships with more peace, satisfaction and joy.

The human spirit is amazing and we are witnessing it everywhere these days.  People taking charge and creating change in their lives, their countries and their worlds.  This is how change occurs for nothing changes until you do.

We see this happening currently in different ways.  The citizens of Iran are demanding change on a national scale.  People who have lost jobs are generating income through new and creative business endeavors.  We are learning to do more with less and learning to support each other in new ways. 

As Ghandi says, “be the change you want to see in the world”.  I would add, be the change you want to see in your life for you are the only one who can create it.  It is not up to the government, employers, schools, institutions, et., it is up to you.  You have the power and now, you are taking that responsibility more than ever before….  Finding solutions, building community, choosing the life you want to create.

So, what do you want and what do you need?  If you need income, perhaps think of what you have always wanted to do but never felt you could make a living.  If you are currently unemployed, you can explore this while looking for steady employment.  Or, this may be the time you leap into a new venture.  Try it as a hobby for starters.  Do something you love for a few minutes every day to get you grounded, centered and open to possibilities. 

How can you share resources so money isn’t as necessary?  Many are needing to cut back on things. The more we share, the less money is needed.  Can you carpool with a co-worker or neighbor?  Do you have clothing and/or household items you can donate?  Maybe create a neighborhood exchange for these items.  Consider trading services with friends and neighbors.  You may be able to offer your accounting services to your neighbor who is handy around the house and can help you with repairs. 

Look to yourself to find solutions to the challenges in your life. Support others and be of service when possible. Claim the power that you have and own your responsibility. Taking responsibility for our lives and our choices inspires others to do the same and creates change for our families, our community, our nation and our world.  

We seem to be undergoing huge change in our lives and much of it seems to be sudden.  Losing jobs and/or homes, changes in our finances, relocating to new residences, long term relationships ending, loved ones passing on.  If these things aren’t happening to you, chances are that it’s happening to people you know. 

It can seem like just too much to manage.  You may feel like you have nothing solid or concrete to hold onto, no anchor in the storm.  Anxiety, worry, loneliness and fear are all over the place.

Here are a few things you can do to help you manage the seemingly unmanageable:

1.  Know that you will be ok.  You will get through this and you will feel even better than before when you are on the other side of the changing situation.  Change always brings gifts and you will see this in time.

2. Identify something in your life that isn’t changing.  It could be part of your daily routine such as walking the dog, preparing a meal or going to the gym.  Focus on these familiar aspects of your day to keep you grounded.

3.  Connect with friends and family with whom you feel most comfortable. Make a point to share time with them, even if just for a few minutes.   You don’t need to live near them, just connect somehow.  Ring them on the telephone, meet for coffee, schedule an outing of some kind.  Connecting with people we love makes us feel safe and reminds us that we are not alone.

4.  Choose one thing you love to do and do it daily or at least a few times a week.  Things like painting, cooking, going for a run, doing yoga or taking a bath. Even if it’s 10 minutes a day, do something you love.  This will center you, clear your head and allow peace and clarity to come.

Change is something we can’t always control but we can choose how to manage it.  These few steps will help you navigate these times by giving you the anchors that you need:  support, love, peace and clarity.   The unknown of change will seem much more manageable and you will have the courage to persevere and recognize the beauty and gifts of the outcome that change always brings.

A lack of information can cause fear, confusion and anxiety. In relationships, this can lead to friction, misunderstanding and hurt. Information is the key to diffusing fear, reaching understanding and gaining clarity.

It has been suggested that information is energy “in-formation”. What does this mean? Words give substance and form to thoughts and feelings, thereby creating information. When doing research, you go to the internet, type in a few words and find the information that you need. In relationships, you put words around your fears, thoughts and feelings to create an understanding. Ideally, you ask your significant other to do the same and voila! You both have information.

Imagine a situation with a loved one where you were confused over his behavior. Something happened and he responded in a way that confused you. You then stewed over what he may have meant, what he was feeling or thinking. You worry about how this impacts your relationship, and on and on. The mind goes into a tailspin over the various possible meanings.

In this example, give words to your feelings, thoughts and behavior. Give it form even if it’s the form of “I’m confused”. Communicate with your significant other and ask them to do the same. In doing so, you will both have an understanding of what happened, the intentions behind the action, the feelings, concerns and gifts from the outcome.

When you have information, you have clarity. With clarity the confusion, fear and anxiety are diffused. You now have a sense of peace around the situation and can make choices that are respectful and honorable for all.

Give yourself the peace of information when you need it. Offer others information and seek it from others. You will have more understanding in your relationships which will allow more love to come in.

There is so much going on in our lives and we are busy people.  On top of our daily responsibilities, there is the current worry for some of job layoffs, mortgages, financial challenges, etc.  We tend to dwell on the past and worry about the future which can cause fear, stress and anxiety.

Take a moment and be present.  Be fully focused on what you are doing in that moment. Whatever you are doing… a task for work, doing the laundry, making a plan for the future, sharing a meal with someone, be completely present in the experience.  Take a deep breath to get you in the moment.

When you are present, there is less worry about what the future will bring or what you did/didn’t do in the past.  You are engaged in what is in front of you and in all the experience has to offer.   Do this as often as possible and you will have more moments of peace.